- “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.”
- “I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more.”
- “They say that hard work never killed anyone…but then, neither did hanging around the house and napping all day”
- “I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition..”
- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
- “Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading”..”
- “I can’t figure out if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.”
- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
- “I never know whether to screw up my taxes myself or hire a professional to do it.”
- “The laziest people always know what you should do.”
- “I used to wonder what it was like to read peoples’ minds. I got a Facebook account and I got over it.”
- “Don’t play dumb with me. That’s a game you can’t win.”
- “It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.”
- “One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next day you’re toast.”
- “For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.”
- “You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.”
- “I don’t flirt with disaster. It’s more of a long-term relationship.”
- “How do they even grow a boneless chicken?”
- “My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.”
- “Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.”
- “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.”
- “Every single day I question my sanity, and every single day it has an alibi.”
- “Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does. That’s why I think of jogging every day.”
- “If you don’t step forward you are always in the same place.”
- “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
- “Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.”
- “God gave us mouths that close and ears that don’t. That must tell us something.”
- “I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.”
- “I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.”
- “Isn’t it great living in the 21st century where deleting history has become more important than making it.”
- “Are you getting a puppy soon? Name it what you want but, remember, this will be the answer to security questions for the rest of your life.”
- “Why do people with closed minds open their mouths?”
- “It’s nice to live in a small town, because if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.”
- “We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?”
- “There is no excuse for laziness…but if you find one, let me know.”
- “What disease did “cured ham” have?”
- “If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?”
- “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”
- “Is there another word for synonym?”
- “Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”
- “The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.”
- “Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.”
- “How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?”
- “My son has taken up meditation. At least it is better than sitting doing nothing!”
- “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”
- “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
- “One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.”
- “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
- “If you had to specify, in one word, why the human race has not, and will never achieve it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’!”
- “Went to school to become a wit. Only got halfway through!”
- “Where do polar bears vote? What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? And what do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?” (Answers: The North Poll, Claustrophobic, Sandy Claws)
- “The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.”
- “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.”
- “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.”
- “If all is not lost, where is it?”
- “Confucius Say: Man who run behind car get exhausted.”
- “If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.”
- “If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts. – Albert Einstein”
- “Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter…people, the opposite.”
- “Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.”
- “Did you hear about the man who dreamt he was a muffler on a car and then part of a wheel? He woke up exhausted and tired.”
- “The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.”
Last Updated April 26, 2015